*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself