My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.