The sacred texts.
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I want this so bad
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.