2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”