Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car