Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
You Might Also Like
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.