Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
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Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
when nothing goes right… go left
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.