I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen