My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You Might Also Like
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
buys donuts instead
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine