Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*