*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
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[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Important reminders
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07