Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No