People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?