I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird