Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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This meeting could have been a cake
knights of the ikea table
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’m too immature for adultery.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.