I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
they really do be looking like this
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth