House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?