I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.