He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly