My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move