Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
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You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
#winning
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”