my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.