my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them