My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza