Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”