Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to