How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
🤣😂🤣
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.