[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
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Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Go girl power!
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.