[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Please do it!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.