5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Look at this
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.