how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂