Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
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klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem