Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
What’s so funny?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.