ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
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Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that