Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS