GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
getting groceries
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.