i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have