Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.