My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks