WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Not all heroes wear capes…
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.