My horoscope said I should kiss you today
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
accurate
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye