The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.