Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
This kinda thing happens to me often
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.