I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
This is my brand.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*gets down on one knee*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Mornin