Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there