He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I wanna be friends with this person
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?