Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours