Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
You Might Also Like
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I have obtained a hat
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
the short answer to this question
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.