Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..