if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle